Joy Comes With the Morning

I had a pregnancy "breakthrough" of sorts a couple weeks ago. It was a bizarre experience, but I got out of bed one day and felt "awake" for the first time in probably years. The feeling was noticably different for me - it was one of joy, hope and newness. I didn't feel this inner strain that had crept in so slowly and made me so tense and tired and apathetic. I certainly would never say that I have been unhappy at all. My husband is amazing and treats me so well, we have such good abiding friendships and are always surrounded by people who we love. Why so dull hearted, then? I am guessing the constant grit of life and working so hard with nothing to separate the days. In the past 3yrs we have have had wars, terminal illness, divorce, death, the failure of a business and incredible financial strain--all without possibility of a real restful break to even enjoy eachother without thinking of the restaurant. I suppose I have been in survival mode with nothing to look forward to- I constantly and chanting in my mind, "Just get through this morning prep, this catering, this lunch rush, this dinner rush, this closing time..." until I was just merely pushing through every single thing in life. I got to the point where I didn't feel excitement or giddy anticipation for anything...not even my pregnancy which I had been trying so hard to achieve. I could always rationally tell myself how temporary this is...that we are working toward something...only a little while longer..etc. For customers I am always smiling and trying so hard to be pleasant, but if I were honest with you, I was so tired of trying to match a facial expression and tone of voice with what I imagined I was supposed to be feeling.. and not this numb thing that I was. ALL this to say, I really believe that the unignorable reality of Dexter with his constant kicking all day just did something to me. I felt some connection to this newness of life that only a pregnant woman may be able to truly comprehend in this way. It will sound utterly rediculous and melodramatic, but it really feels magical. It just struck me that I have been given a gift to be able to carry and protect and nurture this boy. I also feel a certain nearness to God...the thing a child experiences in their simplistic and pure, uncontrived devotion...and taking something from His hand with such intense pleasure and humility. I heard myself laugh again. Not that polite kind, but the kind that comes from somewhere deep and you feel like you can't stop and don't even want to. It's good to be free to laugh.

This was a much longer blog than I was intending to write. I really do apologize for my melodrama, but for those who really know me...you understand!

I will add (without abstraction) that I am feeling very well, with the exception of the achy legs and feet and sudden occasional outbursts of anger. This past week was a bit hard on me. We opened a catering restaurant in San Antonio on Jan 2nd and it has been crazy busy and stressful ever since. We spent the holidays running errands, setting up and cleaning the store there and even transporting food from one location to another. Charlie is so exhausted from driving up and down and I have been trying to manage the store with my crazy moodiness (that only really acts up when I am really stressed...which is alot) and achy feet and only 2 employees. AHHH!!! I'm getting all worked up just thinking about it! We are trying to figure out what the plan will be in a couple months when I'm out of commission and San Antonio is in full swing! We also have an upstairs to finish updating and a babyroom to fix, but these are really luxuries and we will be fine. *sigh*